All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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