I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
