You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
