I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
