My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize