im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
