What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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