Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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