I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize