listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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