he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
