no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
