Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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