Nicole vs. Life
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
