Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
