I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
