i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
