she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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