but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
