I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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