If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
