I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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