The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
