Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
