the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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