It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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