just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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