You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
