The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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