the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
