This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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