there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
