i think my tv is drunk
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize