I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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