How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
