This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
