I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
