I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
