I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
