haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
