3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just gift wrapped bread.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
