I am puke
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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