Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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