awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He did a backflip because drugs
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
