Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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