I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
