just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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