Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
