since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
