It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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