I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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