I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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