guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
