i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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