i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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